There’s this dark cloud…

..looming over me.

I don’t know why. But it seems of late I just feel a bit depressed. Not sad-crying-lifeless depressed. But more of a low self-esteem-lost kind of feeling.

I feel like I don’t know where I am taking my life to, that I’m trapped in a rut and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I’ve been feeling a bit… unappreciated/alienated too.  By my choirmates and officemates.

Sometimes I feel like quitting choir, it’s not that I would want lavish praises or I’m jealous… but hearing people say that “Wow finally nakakarinig na kami boses ng babae” and them saying “Lakas boses nung bago…” really stung. I mean I’ve always been there, trying my best, but “wala palang boses ng babae?!” I guess it started quite a while back, taking toll recently.  After joining practices with different choirs recently, a few people were praised coz they made our choir proud for standing out in their voice sections… but again, it felt like I didn’t even attend – despite having to be alone with the Sopranos.  The pride I feel by standing by and not leaving the group I love is starting to diminish. I feel my efforts are not being recognized even a little.

Here in the office, it’s a bit the same. Having been promoted recently, it feels like I’m starting to not be “part of the group”, that they treat me differently sometimes.  I can’t help if I need to be privy and help in managerial tasks like overseeing the performance of the people.  Like yesterday, they all went to a “gimik“. Though it’s a small thing, I really got hurt that they didn’t even bother asking me to go with them…

*sigh*

I don’t know if it’s just me or what… I’ve been trying to overcome this feeling of being too need and sensitive with other people…