A million thoughts rushing through my head

May this is the last straw..I don’t know… maybe I’m just too emotional right now… and this will all be cleared out in a few hours..or not.

Things have been rough. That I have to admit.

It hasn’t been easy for my family – with my grandfather confined in the hospital for about a month now, since that fateful morning when he suddenly vomitted blood while he was visiting at our house.

It hasn’t been easy at work – with our new team moving to a new office space and getting a new boss, whom we’re still adjusting to.

It hasn’t been easy for us – fighting and arguing incessantly for the past weeks… having to contain the loneliness and despair I was feeling just so not to fight anymore. (it’s been like walking on eggshells)

While reading “random” blogs last night, one thought stood out to me… it quoted exactly like this:

It’s basic and simple (and I’d greatly appreciate if other people can back me up on this). A man in love will not waste one minute — not one single minute — to not be with the woman he loves. In any form, in any way, be it an actual date or a text or an email. There is absolutely nothing that can stop him. I’ve seen this. You’ve seen this. It’s in nature!

This paragraph/words contains the core of my “issues” with us. I haven’t felt this – this urgency or eagerness to spend time with me, with us in the past weeks.

There hasn’t been really any major thing to fight about – just small, petty issues that eventually pile up and roll down like an avalanche. But somehow, in my gut, there is this insecurity, this loneliness, this despair – I’m not asking that you report to me 24/7, every minute of his life… but to kindly include me and let me feel that I am still a part of your life…or let me know if I’m not and I’m just assuming I am.

You see, there’s a difference when you acknowledge that you weren’t able to do something you promised me because of other events and you letting it slide by, taking it for granted.. assuming that I should be understanding.

A simple text to let me know that you’re running or still running late on a set date/time let’s me know that you are still somehow anxious and anticipating going out – instead of just letting me wait. It makes me feel like we’re not important.

Right now, I’m confused – are we still worth fighting for? Is this the life I want?

I admit I’ve had my faults.. but I hope you realize that you shouldn’t take me for granted either…

And I might not linger for long anymore if this continues… maybe love isn’t always enough…